Friday, 29 September 2006

Whatcha doin' next Tuesday week?

Shame it's at the Paramount. Their seats are so uncomfortable. Does the prospect of a free film make it all worth the effort?

We'll have to wait and see on that one.

Thursday, 28 September 2006

Indie electro kids making out

Simian Mobile Disco rank as one of the better indie electro acts out there, along with Diplo, Soulwax, Justice, Erol Alkan, and others. Although their remixes are generally par excellence I've found their own efforts to be a bit hit and miss.

One song that doesn't miss is Hustler and thanks to the vision of director Saam Faramand and extraordinary musical tastes of Travis at bigstereo I can now bring to you...

Hustler by Simian Mobile Disco

One might be tempted to utter "hmmmmm... lesbians" but the lovely ladies strike me more as the bi-when-drunk type. But then I could be wrong. If only the vid kept going!

What a moment to stop filming.

We are experiencing technical difficulties

Programming should resume shortly.

We apologise for the inconvenience.

By we I mean me.

Monday, 25 September 2006

The Joy of Asparagus

by His Whoreness

No matter how tasty the new season crop may be or how happy it makes us to eat these herbaceous spears of glorious green goodness, it always comes down to a very simple phrase comprising five equally simple words.

No. Blowjobs. For. You. Tonight.

Did you read the Dompost this morning?

No, not the bit about Labour getting even with the Exclusive Brethren.

No, not the over-cautious gymnastics administrators keeping kiddy fiddler cameras away from the kids.

No, not the rumours that Osama bin Laden may be dead from typhoid.

It's on B3. Yes. I know. The US Navy are decommissioning the F-14 Tomcat. I know they're all fairly old, but like very young man brought up in the heady days of 80s western civilisation, I look back on Top Gun with a certain element of proud nostalgia and inward revulsion at how dated it seems.

This is indeed a sad day for pop culture.

Now you can turn to the health section of the paper and read about the evils of spinach. Yes thats right people. Guns don't kill people, vegetables kill people. You heard it here first.

We'll have more news for you after the break.

The Joy of Lychees

by His Whoreness.

I remember she served them in a separate glass to my hi-ho silver. A toothpick dispenser provided balance between the two. Well that and so I could pick them up without getting sticky fingers.

Syrupy, sweet and juicy in that deliriously alcoholic way, I couldn't possibly understand why she didn't want to try one. Must be a texture thing.

Her top kept drifting down her ample chest, so her every other momvement has a quick tug for modestys sake. The sad indian gentlemen of the half-cut and middle-aged persuasion was shamelessly hitting on her.

Guilty pleasures never tasted so good.

Thursday, 21 September 2006

How rubbish is MEATY?

C4TV's woeful new vehicle for What Now! neverbeen Shavaughn Ruakere (you'd think she was from Johnsonville with a first name like that!) is quite simply that... woeful.

Am I right or am I right?

Say it with me people... John. Son. Ville.

Wednesday, 20 September 2006

Music is my hot hot sex

Cassius have created one of the better dance tracks of the year with the too catchy for words Toop Toop. It makes DoCopenhagen want to shake himself. I have the same reaction. No it isn't a pretty sight but I don't care. The song rocks and I don't mean that in a rock way either. I mean it in a way that doesn't mean you come from white trash.

I just love Colder and I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so.

I'm so in love with the French right now!

And yes I am a youtube whore. I can't help trawling through their archives for music videos and bootlegs of live gigs. So very addictive and satisfying. Makes C4 almost redundant. Almost.

Scream it from the rooftops

Would you wear a t-shirt with this on the front?

Of course you would, so grab it from Threadless and wear it with pride!

Guilty pleasures and free lunches

Vice Magazine's Do's and Don't dolls have achieved a new level of notoriety as a very very sad man in his late 20s mistakes a myspace site set up for a plastic doll as an opportunity to talk about titfucking as a come on. Too tragic for words, especially when you read the repeated messages he sent the plastic doll. Each and every message he sent is repeated for your readng pleasure here.

So check out Good As Gold to find out when they get in the monthly goodness that is Vice Magazine. The latest iteration is the Story Issue and fucking funny it is.

Good As Gold is worth a visit for any number of reasons. I love the toys, the clothes and the accessories, but the thing that keeps me coming back for more is that Good As Gold are the guys responsible for bringing Vice Magazine to our nation's capital. Thankfully I spotted Ruben dragging a boxload of VMs into Slow Boat Records one lazy pay day afternoon. No more wasted trips up Cuba Street only to have my hopes of a new issue cruelly dashed. Sometimes a boy just needs his fix.

The promos have started airing on TV3 for the latest iteration of America's Next Top Model and I'm now even less inclined to see it than ever before. There's something about the OTT performance of Miss Banks that disturbs me but not quite as much as the seriousness of the monologue sound bites from the less-than-attractive model wannabes. Could they be any less obnoxious? I guess we'll just have to wait and see when the series starts airing.

While we're on the reality TV bandwagon, I might as well make a start on Top Chef. Usual story. 12 chefs compete to win the chance to run their own restaurant. The variety is the spice of life approach has been taken to the selection of chefs from different backgrounds / levels of professional training. I'm groaning already at how crap this is going to be. Somehow I don't see them acting all Gordon Ramsay, or grandstanding a la Jamie Oliver. This does of course beg the all-important question, why would we watch it? I'm not entirely sure, and of all of us I'm the one most likely to watch a show about food.

Moving back to matters more trash in nature, Perez Hilton is an odd site I've come to enjoy every now and again like a guilty pleasure. It's incredibly gay and so very self-reverential and yes it does lack the embedded malice of the now-defunct Conversations About Famous People, but I keep coming back because every now and again he delivers the goods. Case in point: Axl Rose never looked so gay.

This Friday marks the final episode of Project Runway's second season. The last two episodes have been largely forgettable and that's probably a good thing. We're now down to fashion week where Santino, Daniel Vosovic and Chloe Dao compete on the runway. I'm not sure you guys actually watch the show so it won't be much of a spoiler to tell you that Chloe wins season two. Yes, Chloe wins the season two. Forgive the girlish glee but I've been dying to find out what is so special about Chloe's collection that forces a 12 Angry Men confrontation among the judges. If memory serves she's only won the one challenge compared to Daniel's three or four, but Daniel is such an annoying cock he doesn't deserve to win. Thankfully TV3 are running a promo for fashion film The Devil Wears Prada where you only have to mention how many outfits the Project Runway contestants have to make for fashion week (*coughs* 12) and who wins the final show (*coughs* Chloe) to go in the draw win a trip to New York and other stuff. It'd be worth it for the flights alone. Keen to come along for the ride darling?

C4 are running a similar promo for the release of The Killers and Scissor Sisters sophomore efforts culminating in, you guessed it, a trip to New York. I can't the first single from either bands' are any good.

Yes folks, we're all about sharing the free love today on SFTWM! Just not in a hippie way. Hippies aren't welcome here.

Wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh, wemoweh

My days as a leonine reject from the Wizard of Oz are about to end.


I am finally getting my hair cut.

It's all happening tomorrow. No I won't be submitting for your approval a before and afer shot. You should love and adore me for my sparkling wit and engaging charm than my resplendent yet annoyingly curly locks.

Despite the difficulty of bearing unmanageable hair, I've always found it a great source of schadenfreude. My mother spent the better part of my childhood spending far too much money on achieving curly hair I'd rather didn't exist on my own head. Nothing brought a smile to my then-angelic face quite like the constant reminder of knowing I was gifted with something that someone else wanted so very very badly.

Tomorrow can't come soon enough!

It's pay day too.

I smell shopping in the offing.

Monday, 18 September 2006

Just call me Hoiho the Handyman

Something needed fixing in my office and the sun's glare was too much for this poor soul to handle what was then quite early on a Monday morning, so I dragged in the neighbour to help shift the desk and proceeded to spend the better part of an hour hunched under the damn thing like a mechanic under a car.

I couldn't work out how exactly to fix it so ended up jerry-rigging a couple screws, washers and twine into something rather ingeniously remedial. 'Remedial' in the sense it seems to have solved my immediate problems. Not 'remedial' in the sense of cabbage maths and rocks for jocks at high school.

My manicured and unusually soft hands may reek of grease but I haven't gone quite that native.

That said, I've never felt so blue collar.

Wednesday, 13 September 2006

I wish I had girl, who looked good...

I would call her!

Time to take you back old school fool with a little Skee-lo.

You know you wish you were a little bit taller.

Yes I do feel lost without MSN in my life

I'm sorry but it's true.

One gets used to a certain level of connectedness and then one day it's all taken away from him.

Is there anyone out there anymore?

I wonder if I fired my speargun through the wall at you would it get all the way to you or stop short like in the movies?

How's that for a "welcome to the neighbourhood" from one's new neighbour.

He used to be known as the Adorable Newbie. He's no longer the newbie and... well... I'd rather not go anywhere near the 'adorable' bit. Boys need boundaries especially when one of them is of the straight-in-the-streets-and-the-sheets variety.

Tragic I know, but women always have been so greedy.

Any thoughts, comments, suggestions, proposals as to a new nom de plume for the reluctant officeworker formerly known as the Adorable Newbie?

Tuesday, 12 September 2006

While I'm on my high horse, I might as well add...

Is it obligatory for every foreign sportsperson in a TV interview to be forced into commenting on the greatness of their New Zealand counterparts?

It's patronising at best. Just like the ask-the-famous-person-what-they-like-about-NZ / ask-the-famous-person-what-they-know-about-NZ type bullshit questions, I sincerely doubt they like having to come up with something vaguely coherent with a camera stuck in their face. For the more media-savvy of interviewed foreigners, you can't help but cringe at the condescending descriptions of our stunning scenery / friendly people / amazing food / great wine.

If I hear one more LOTR / Peter Jackson reference in an interview with a foreigner, I am throwing my TV at the first car to drive past the house.

Just a quick question

How wrong is it that I've known for ages who will win the second season of Project Runway?

No seriously.

I don't normally look shows up online because the spoilers tend to... well... spoil the show. Somehow googling the show's rather odd co-host Tim Gunn brought up an interview where he went on about a 12 Angry Men moment occurring among the judges as they were turned one by one towards the designer who ultimately won. To be honest I remain a little mystified as to how they came to the conclusion they did, but I guess we'll see the final collections in the next week or so. I think the next episode is the final design one with next week seeing the runway show and judging.

As for the remaining designers, Santino may be annoying but Daniel is a cock. A thin and flaccid one at that. Chloe? She's fairly non-descript and uninteresting. They are quite the whiter shade of pale compared to the first season's colourful and interesting final three designers. Wendy was a bitch but crap at clothes. Kara created amazing clothes. Jay was just weird and his clothes were the same.

Forgive the mixed tenses but they've almost finished series 3 in the states and I already know one guy got the boot for using design textbooks. Apparently that's quite the scandal but I'm not sure why. Maybe its to create a level playing field that relies on talent more than winging it in an open-book workshop.

I don't know.

My mixed metaphors are getting away from me.

God I feel sad for knowing as much about the show as I do. Please don't judge me too harshly. I'll be your friend.

I made my lunch today.

I'll give you a moment to pick yourselves up from the floor.

... ready?


... just get up slowly or you'll faint. I always do. Well, feel faint that is. Feel faint when rising too swiftly.


I do rise swiftly.

Hard to believe I know but hey, miracles do happen.

As for lunch, it was ok. Could've used some iceberg lettuce for crunch though. After all, it is the lettuce of champions.

Actually, I can't back that up.

Sorry to disappoint.

Sunday, 10 September 2006

The Joy of Shoes

By His Whoreness.

I have another three words for you people... suffering for fashion.

Shoes are a necessity of the modern world. They protect our domesticated and consequently delicate feet from the savagery of our environment. It's a shame then that my new shoes force the blood from my feet and my using a shoe horn has never looked so shamefully unco-ordinated.

On the upside, my feet have never looked as hot as they do in those shoes. They make them seem prettier than they might otherwise seem.

They deserve it.


I can't think of any other way to describe the roadworks situation that has seen our nation's capital afflicted with traffic jams, road rage and egregious wasting of ratepayer/consumer money.

It all started with the digging up and beautification of our footpaths with terracotta-coloured brick paving along Featherston Valley. Now we have Powerco digging the roads back up again to suck water from their gas pipes.

Yes it does suck and yes it was unforeseen but that doesn't excuse the extended misery we've been forced to endure. Where is my compensation for hardship suffered?

With so many places without gas, that meant the great unwashed were forced to intrude on my life in quite unnatural ways. Queues and waiting at Burger Fuel. Full floors at Astoria. Four abreast on Lambton Quay during lunchtimes.

I'm sorry but in the immortal (or should that be immoral) words of Brian Tamaki, ladies and gentlemen... enough is enough.

Enough with pushing ugly people at me. Enough with the digging. Enough with the generator drone. Enough with the merging traffic. Enough with taking up what few parking spaces remain in the CBD. Enough with making life in the CBD quite miserable for the rest of us.

I'd rather do without gas than suffer this crap.

So... where do I send my claim for pain and hardship?

Talk about pleasant surprises

My musical tastes have tended towards the more obscure than that no doubt enjoyed by you my modest yet loyal readers. I don't mean to mention that as a put-down of your less than expansive appreciation of what the world has to offer musically. Instead I offer it as a preface to what has become the rather pleasant advent of catchy tracks once enjoyed only through scavenging the mp3 blogosphere.

C4 have in the last week screened Cansei De Ser Sexy's excellent Let's Make Love And Listen To Death From Above (yes that Death From Above) as well as Peter Bjorn and John's whistlelicious Young Folks.

Yes that's right. I said whistlelicious. Think claptastic of the Are You The One? persuasion but with whistling.

CSS - Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above

Peter, Bjorn & John - Young Folks

Come to love them, just like you do me. It's time to share the love people. So start sharing.

We now return you to your noraml programming

Apologies for the brief hiatus. I've been a bit preoccupied with 'other' things. New posts to come in due course.

Sorry to disappoint.

Sunday, 3 September 2006

...mmmh sounds like a mixture of the "Eurythmics" and "No Doubt"...

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Mister Chris seems quite the smitten kitten and I must admit to a certain amount of 'interest' myself.

I quite like this, even if they did sound a little soft and light on CD:USA over the weekend.

Saturday, 2 September 2006

The Joy of Bottled Water

by His Whoreness

Three words people... no such thing.

Sure a cold glass of water can be pleasant on a stifling hot summer's day but arguably any cold liquid of the non-toxic / non-bodily fluid persuasion would seem refreshing in such uncomfortable circumstances.

Beverages don't get more banal than that.

It's enough to drive a man to drink and I'll have a gin thanks.

I deserve it.