Monday, 29 May 2006

Can someone please explain to me what happened on Gilmore Girls last night?

We suffer weeks of painfully angsty angst between Lorelei and Rory that leads into everything becoming bizarro world. How do we know its bizarro world? Next to no Lane and Paris madness has been going on. Logan is a drop-kick and the sooner he pisses off the better. The Jess interlude last week was a nice touch, especially as a counterpoint to caustic element that has crept into Rory's life since the big to-do with Lorelei.

But I digress...

This all happens over weeks with not a lot happening and then in the space of 2 minutes everything is right again as Rory comes home and they hug on the lawn of their newly-renovated house. I mean people please! Was this all a dream or did the writers just get REALLY lazy all of a sudden.

And what the hell was with the whole Luke and Christopher thing. Yes I know its linked to the whole Luke is a daddy plotline that so very clumsily came our way last night, but still.

I'm not sure Rory coming home was such a good thing.

And whats going to happen with Emily now?

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

Think of the children!!!

This is what I've been reduced to drinking.

My apologies to the Indian biochemists and food technologists who rely on my coke habit for their gainful employment in the Coca-Cola Corporation. Please tell little Jitesh and little Ramesh I'm sorry that they will have to go without shoes this monsoon season.

I've never craved coke as much as I do right now.

Oh and please note that it is not a mere pump bottle. No, it is a SUPER pump. That's right people. 1.25 litres of bland, unappetising spring water. I don't know how poor people live on this stuff... this... water.

Friday, 26 May 2006

Important life questions du jour

1. What is the deal with so many guys wearing skinny jeans? They can't all be gay boys desperately seeking pants that make their ass look KAPOW! Most don't even have enough of an ass to improve with such figure-hugging attire.

2. How shit must your life be if the highlight of your day is wolfwhistling at hot chicks from four floors up? What if you were exceedingly unattractive and live in a dank armpit of an inner-city apartment?

3. Lace curtains? Say it with me people, "now that's some wrong shit!"

4. Has America invaded another country and noone bothered to tell me? The number of American servicemen serving overseas who end up at this blog from googling for porn can be counted on a leprous hand of very few fingers.

5. Could this day pass any slower?

Thursday, 25 May 2006

Where can one enjoy a gin in this city without finding oneself surrounded by boorish individuals of the Hutt / Hawkes Bay persuasion?

I was privileged with the company of the Pedant last night for a gin or two at Juniper on Johnston Street last night. Although her eyesight was dire to the point where I must have seemed an amorphous haze across the table from her, I was more than able to identify an uncomfortable number of colleagues around Wellington sauntering in to the establishment.

I know Wellington is a small city and accept that as one of its many charms, but sometimes one finds oneself in desperate need of time away from one's contact list albeit briefly for but one weekday evening.

As an aside, I can only weep at the lack of talent in Juniper's kitchen last night. The lacklustre fare wending its way to the tabes around us was underwhelming to view and nauseating to smell. The portions seemed disproportionate with one of the women seated at the table next to us offering what I can only assume were prawns to her tablemate to even out the portions.

I know the food was never great at Juniper but standards seemed to have slipped since the last time I ventured up their stained timber steps.

How gay was the guy behind the bar? "Very", is the answer I'm looking for people.

Wednesday, 24 May 2006

This just in

JJ has officially lost control of his ego. Reports are coming in that people at the Bowen street end of the Terrace are fainting on the footpaths from the lack of breathable air. We have no reports of cars crashing into Parliament but then it is early days yet and we're waiting for the cannibalism and looting to begin in other parts of the city.

We'll have more for you at the news at six.



Postscript: I'm not sure where in my conscious (or subconscious for that matter) this came from so let's just put it down to being yet another crafty beaver moment brought to you by the colour green.

Monday, 22 May 2006

I’ve just eaten lunch, so no, but thanks all the same. How’s your burger?

I had Burger Fuel for lunch today people and I have two words and as many exclamations marks as turns you on...
BLOODY MARVELLOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For reasons that need not be explored right now, I found myself down courtney Place in dire need of nourishment and what should there be before me but Burger Fuel on Courtney Place and Taranaki street. Quite the shimmering-oasis-in-the-desert moment I must say.

So yes, one Bastard beef burger and an order of spud fries to go and I went.

I feel almost giddy but then that could be my body thanking me for a decent feed in god knows how many days.

Thursday, 18 May 2006

Steroids make me... moody

Apologies for yet another brief hiatus but my health took another turn for the worse. I'm able to walk again but I'm not sure when I'll be able to eat yet. How's that for a foodie's personal hell? "Very", is the answer I'm looking for people.

This seems awfully familiar to a similar episode I suffered around this time last year. Only last year it was worse and lasted longer. 10 days without food and four days without anything to drink. It doesn't get more monastic than that. Well it does but tonsure is so not hot these days.

Thankfully, with the help of pharmaceuticals of the green pill persuasion and my imaginary community of crafty beavers (I had some seriously messed up hallucinations!) I was able to drag myself away from my den of darkness, sweaty bedsheets and bad daytime TV. It did take a while to get ready this morning though. I don't recommend shaving with the southpaw when one isn't. Quite perilous. My hair looks like shit too and the eyes are veritable pissholes in snow. Quite pandaesque.

I wish I had more interesting things to post about right now but I'm afraid that stays between me and the crafty beavers.

Monday, 15 May 2006

How the Food show has fallen

I did manage to make it to the Food Show though on Saturday with Mr Brown and one of his flatmates. An hour or so spent wandering around an enclosed concrete circle, at times repulsed by over-processed products of the garish variety, while at other times attracted inexorably towards less offensive fare. I doubt I spent more than $20. Actually no, I spent $24. How sad is that? "Very", is the answer I'm looking for people.

I don't know.

The Food show hasn't been coming to Wellington long enough for me to get all weepy-eyed and nostalgic but it really was so much better than it has been the last few years. We had better than decent chefs come from overseas to run demos on their approach to food (Greg Malouf remains the standout performer). We had vendors offering more than the merest of morsels to try. We had vendors selling food that could actually be enjoyed at the event without being left to tear savagely at the vaccum-sealed packaging.

You used to be able to go and know you weren't going to be eating until a day or so afterwards. Instead we see people queueing up at the Whitebait Station to get an overpriced hotdog on a stick or punnet of chips all so that they can leave feeling less hungry than when they came.

The miserable state of affairs notwithstanding, I did end up walking away with a few big blocks of mint chip chocolate, a bevy of chicken sausages and three bottles of some kind of apple syrup (I really don't know what I was thinking with that last purchase). The free muesli I passed on to Mr Brown. Does anyone want my single serving sachets of drinking chocolate? "No thanks", is the answer I'm looking for people.

Although the Pedant said she wasn't going so as to avoid the "appalling snouts in trough behaviour", I'd say she's all the better for not having gone.

I'll just come out and say this...

I'm not a fan of Desperate Housewives.

I don't hate the show. I just don't care for it. I don't go out of my way to watch it on TV. I certainly don't download episodes off the net to move further ahead in the show than TVNZ's programming otherwise allows. What little I have seen has been the result of channel-surfing more than anything more concerted in effort. I'm sorry but it really doesn't do anything for me.

This somehow means I'm not a true fag, which is pointless in itself, but it does lead one to wonder what this says about the straight boys who love the show.

Too metro for their own good? Or, an indication of something... else? "Food for thought", is the answer I'm looking for people.

Envy rears its ugly head

Jay just MSNed me from his Woodward Street apartment. It seems the IN place to have lunch these days is one's inner-city apartment.

I want one.

Inner-city apartment that is.

How greeen are my eyes right now? "Very", is the answer I'm looking for people.

My skin doesn't look THAT yellow

Well not yet at least.

Apologies for the hiatus people but I haven't exactly been the healthiest of chappies lately. The misery of last Thursday spent on the heated tile floor of the bathroom left me thinking it was food poisoning. Despite the floor being remarkably comfortable (and perhaps the warmest place in the house) I have a nagging suspicion the episode is indicative of a wider problems with my general state of health and well-being. Classic.

The Pedant puts it down to my shit diet of coke, but that would only explain the imminent onset of diabetes.

The Adorable Newbie puts it down to the consequences of my leading such a shit lifestyle, but my relative destitution of late puts paid to that being the cause.

Will I see a doctor? Probably not. Well... maybe once jaundice starts to set in. How weird would I look if my skin was the colour of cheds biscuits? "Very", is the answer I'm looking for people.

Sunday, 7 May 2006

Please tell me you were watching C4 last night

Music chart shows aren’t usually worth the airtime they waste on our screens.

The weekly re-hash of the same dreadful songs shifting incrementally up or down by the barest of margins of the C4 Top40 variety leaves me less than impressed. So too does the near-endless drivel of a plastic-faced host getting in the way of live acts I’d never be interested in seeing let alone hearing. The same must unfortunately be said for the gutter-trash presenters the poms insist on using for Top of the Pops and *gags* CD:UK.

That isn't to say they don't have their uses. If not for CD:UK I wouldn't have seen Depeche Mode perform Precious live for the first time, or seen Alison Goldfrapp strut her stuff to some of her better songs. Well last night was the turn of the recently-migrated Top of the Pops to surprise and surprise it did.

Well almost.

Top of the Pops debuted last night on C4 with a new number one: Crazy by Gnarls Barkley. I've already ranted on about this song before so I'll avoid rehashing such pleasantries here. Suffice to say, if you missed it you can catch their performance here.

My thanks to the guys at m3 online for exhibiting such good taste in music. My iPod has never seemed so gloriously resplendent with new tunes.

So sayeth the shepherd

My thanks to Piers for putting me on to God Hates Shrimp which then put me on to yet another time-wasting doodad of the online persuasion: Church Sign Generator.

Someone with far too much time on their hands has written a code that lets you make your own terribly American church sign. This was my first effort...

But I think this is more postworthy...

Don't you agree?

Friday, 5 May 2006

I see a front bum

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to my new toy.

The inkblot on the screen is from the music video for Gnarls Barkley's Crazy.

Apparently crazy would describe how much I paid for the iPod. I can only respond by saying it not only looks so gosh darned dark, sleek and gorgeous but it also fills that gaping chasm in my soul once filled by my last iPod.

Yes I am giddy like a child with a new toy. But enough about me, how are you?

Wednesday, 3 May 2006

That means he likes me

Guess who topped out the search.msn.com rankings for the keyword "whore"?

Guess who beat out wikipedia's entry on prostitution?

Guess who beat out dictionary.com's definition of the word "whore"?

Guess where all the American servicemen stationed in the Middle East go when they google "whore" for that much needed porn fix?

Guess who is surprised a UK search engine ranked this blog twelfth on a search for "hawkes bay sunday paper"?



If you won't say it I will...


WHAT THE FUCK???

Monday, 1 May 2006

Something about Betty's legs in the air???

Her Banananess has rather kindly hooked me up with some very healthy-looking beetroot. Actually, enormous would be a better description.

Beetroot a la Lyonnaise anyone?

Hmmm… can’t wait!

Imagine if you will a subtly sweet root vegetable par-boiled in stock, only to then be sliced thinly and laid out au gratin with lashings of butter and yet more stock, before being slowly oven-roasted to perfection. So simply yet so very decadent. You’ll put on weight just looking at it in the pan.

Some would benefit from that more than others. No I won’t name names. They know who they are.

And to all the naysayers out there I can only shake my head in disgust at culinary preferences no doubt informed solely by beetroot of the most unfortunate kind: tinned. The real thing tastes so much better and quite different to the vinegary variety in sold in tins.

If you can get your hands on deliciously fulsome golden beets and send some my way, I will love you forever and a day. What little rubbish is sold in supermarkets is exactly that and they do taste so very good.

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mi-iii-ind

You’d better start deleting those throwback tracks by *gags* GNR, *chokes* Oasis and *retches* Green Day.

You’ll need the room on your iPod.

Well that and you should exhibit better taste in music. That shit is so much worse than Kylie in her Jason phase.

Anywho, Danger Mouse has partnered up with Cee-Lo to bring the net the next big thing for everyone to get excited about. Gnarls Barkley is generating more than its fair share of interest and after watching the inkblot animation music video for net favourite track Crazy, I can see why.

So get crazy with Gnarls Barkley. Now!

Then get the new Coldcut album, Sound Mirrors. True Skool (featuring Roots Manuva) is worth the purchase price alone.