Tuesday, 31 May 2005

Show-and-tell

Well it seems I'm a terrible influence on the spending habits of a certain South Pacific floral wonder and all because of stunning leather boots, a BMW, flannelette sheets at sale price and a trip to the bra shop.

I'm still waiting for show-and-tell...

In the spirit of encouraging more fiscally imprudent actions I feel honour-bound to mention the latest object of my gadget geek affections. Now some of you are no doubt aware of my standard practice of replacing my cellphone every 8-12 months for reasons of boredom and disinterest in whatever phone I have at any one time. Well it is now time for me to start looking out at what is available and my lord have I found a pearler!

Is it a digital camera? Is it a PDA? Is it a cellphone? No wait, its the Sony Ericsson s700i (get over Nokia boys - I have!). Dead sexy, gadget-tastic and way more than what I need (the prerequisite for any purchase to qualify as consumer whoring) at RRP of around $800 it remains in the far-too-much-for-a-cellphone category. Surely this is all the more reason for me to get one.

Which reminds me, my partner in crime is in desperate need of a phone that wasn't designed with the dirt-poor-and-destitute-masses-suffering-third-world-poverty in mind so in an act of true charity I intend to pass my current Sony Ericsson t630 on to him so he can finally feel part of the modern era of pxting, colour screens and polyphonic ringtones.

Hmmm... polyphonic ringtones.

Monday, 30 May 2005

Moi? A culture vulture?!?!?!? Oh puh-lease!

Everyone knows food and wine Iowa farmboy Ted is my favourite queer eye for the straight guy!

Speaking of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, their soundtrack has been doing more than its fair share of airplay on my iPod of late. Of special note are:
=> the Chemical Brothers remix of Kylie's Slow;
=> Elton John's Are You Ready For Love?; and
=> (my personal favourite) Everybody Wants you To Emerge, Fischerspooner's one-hit wonder Emerge mashed-up with some has-been's one hit wonder.

Go buy it!

Here's what the case looks like in case you get lost in all the straight music...

How do you draw udders?

Well work has come up with the brilliant idea of a kids 'draw a cow' competition for an upcoming conference and my interest is piqued. I don't care what the prize is or whether I'm too old for it, it should be fun.

I have learned the judging criteria are the somewhat broad colour, creativity and character. Interestingly though no distinction has been made between whether they want drawings of dairy cows or beef cows.

What is the difference?

At the risk of coming across as decidedly roorull there is quite a bit of difference. I will of course save you the details.

The three ideas precolating in my head right now are:

1. Patriotic Beef: A mighty angus steer proudly posed atop a verdant hillock, staring off into the distance with a raging sun in the background creating a corona effect around its muscled visage. Something kinda like this...


2. Communist Beef: A mighty angus steer in revolutionary pose akin to the almost comic-book-esque 1950s romantic image of the struggling working class man. Something like this poster here...


3. Cows of the Round Table: A mighty angus steer standing atop a slain dairy cow or Fonterra logo in the fashion of an incredibly stylised brass rubbing of some old English King standing atop a slain dragon. Something like this brass rubbing taken from an old grave...


I always did prefer steak to yoghurt. Its always been so much more butch and manly.

No I'm not gay and nor do I have a boot or a leather fetish

These belong to Miss Della Squeegie Mop (frangipani for those who don't understand the reference) and mark a recent milestone in her consumer whore apprenticeship. The South Pacific floral wonder certainly did well with this purchase.

But wait, is that Nancy Sinatra I hear in the background?

Just like KD...

I too suffer from constant craving (although I'm sorry but Cindy Crawford really doesn't do anything for me - I blame the mole). Well at least I did.

My name is Jake and I'm a foodie who has lost his passion to cook. Sad I know but cooking doesn't excite me as much as it used to. I've even cut back on my trips to the Kirks Cuisine Centre. Someone please pop down and let me know if they are surviving without my patronage!

I don't know.

I can see in my mind how sublimely easy it would be to prepare Potato, Pea and Mint Vichyssoise garnished with creme fraiche and oven-roasted pancetta. I can remember how delicately flavoured and near-orgasmic it tastes. I just don't have the will to get into the kitchen and make the damn thing or anything else for that matter.

I've even received oblique complaints that I have been incredibly remiss in not organising morning tea for everyone at work as was expected after coming back from Savour New Zealand almost a month ago.

Fingers crossed the Ginga's party on the 10th reinvigorates my love of the kitchen or I don't know what I'll do with my Cuisipro julienne peeler.

Hmmm... kitchen gadgets

All I ever wanted, all I ever needed

Is right here!

Depeche Mode seem to have come out with what seems to be their first video in ages.



The video is for the Reinterpreted mix Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park did to DM classic Enjoy the Silence. Minus the screaming of the little guy and the high school drop-out legion of guitar players and desperate-to-look-older drummer, Linkin Park ain't that bad. But then that only leaves Mike Shinoda.

Anywho, click here to check out the video. I quite like it myself.

The remix goes with the DM Remixes 3-CD set released last year that was generaly pretty good, barring of course some bizarre mixes of their earlier (and best left buried) singles. For some reason I ended up with two sets (I blame the blind urge to shop myself) so if you would like one let me know where to send it off.

Word on the grapevine is DM are coming out with a new album later this year. Fingers crossed they get back into the sound of Ultra and Violator moreso than that of Exciter. That said there is a press conference scheduled for June 16 in Dusseldorf and I don't recall good news ever coming from Dusseldorf. That said I don't know Dusseldorf well enough to know for certain.

Do you?

Sunday, 29 May 2005

If food is the new porn, has the chef become the new sex symbol?


Dear lord I hope not!

After watching Anthony Bourdain on TV last night I couldn't help but become almost angry from his glib description of truffle oil as "rich person's ketchup" and designation as number three in his top-five list of food crimes.

His disappointing turn at Savour New Zealand was relived through the footage they shot of the event. Fingers crossed I didn't come up in any of the shots as I'm not sure I'd like to be filmed after more than a few wines.

No rude comments if I did appear pissed on TV thank you. They shall be removed by decree of His Whoreness. I'm still living down the indignity of being outed on 3News next to Prebs at the American Embassy for the US election.

Not good.

And yes I do live with the shame of owning Bourdain's Les Halles cookbook.

Oh for the love of God!

My disappointment with what I still consider a dismal waste of my time and Dandy's money seems to have bruised what I can only assume to have been a truly seminal moment in your cinematic lives for many of you.

I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen but I quite simply did not enjoy the movie. For those you for whom English may not be their first language please allow me to type slower so you too may understand that...

I... did... not... enjoy... the... movie

If the movie were a dish served at a restaurant I would immediately demand the resignation of the head chef. Yes there would be the inevitable cleavers-at-closing but I digress.

Please understand that I am unlikely to think of the movie any more highly than I already don't.

Mind you, it would have been cool to see more wookies. Hmmmm wookies

Friday, 27 May 2005

My most humble apologies

It seems I may have at some stage accidentally prevented all bar existing members of blogger.com from pontificating on my posts.

I can only hope that this has been rectified to your personal satisfaction.

Yours in rampant consumerism,

His Whoreness

Wednesday, 25 May 2005

Hmmm... beef curtains

Ladies and gentlemen this particular gem is a conversation about famous people brought to you by DistressedJeans and I simply HAD to share.


Newest trend to hit gyms: Nude Yoga


The newest trend to hit the gyms? Nude yoga! Believe it. There is nothing more soothing than the relaxing stretch of the downward dog as you look up to see a pair of ball sacs dangling in front of you. The warrior pose is nothing but powerful as your breasts swing free and the instructor places his hands on your naked flesh and manuevers your limber body into a childs pose, exposing your beef curtains for the class to view.

This is the exercise that will be sweeping the nation. You can get a good workout and an eyeful at the same time. Once I tried nude tae bo and boy did I get a workout. From laughing that is. Do you think I really wanted to see dimpled, puckered flesh and beer bellies as I attempted to get a good fat burn going? So now my personal motto for nude workout session is: Just say NO.

In an ideal world there would be no do-gooders

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m all for the activist spirit. Aristotle was right when he described the need for new thinking and change as akin to a flea that disturbs and keeps mobile the lazy ass of society. Complacency breeds contempt, contempt breeds anarchy, anarchy makes shopping a much less enjoyable life-calling.

That said I don’t see why grubby immigrants need accost me in stilted English on what are already crowded and weather-exposed footpaths.

Honestly, I find it difficult enough as it is to shop my brains out and my meagre lunch breaks only allow visits to a modest range of shops. As such, I really don’t need the repeated attempts to guilt-trip me into financially supporting every do-gooder cause.

Save the children? No thank you. I’d rather get something more than a token photo and occasional letter from the child it would seem I am supporting when I know full well only a modicum of whatever money I might hand over might make it to the child in question. How else are Save the Children to fund their ‘good’ work?

Save the Whales? No thank you. Whales are not pets. Whales are food. The only reason whales are considered different is because of an incredibly successful PR campaign by do-gooders. Spin is the only reason why whales are considered more special than sheep, cattle, pigs and chickens and I will not be funding the continuation of this effort to delude general society thank you. Why should do-gooders decide for you what you are allowed to eat?

Save the environment? No thank you. No matter how rare a bird or bush may be the comfort, warmth and lifestyle of a person will always remain infinitely more important. And so it should. I’m not throwing away thousands of climbing up the food chain only to see it pissed away for the sake butt-ugly flora, pointless insects and fauna best left to fade into extinction. What makes a stilt more important than a heater on a cold winters night?

Yes do-gooders do piss me off.

Tuesday, 24 May 2005

Don't make me use my stuff on ya, baby!

Saw Bubba Ho-Tep earlier tonight with Damo in the new theatre out the back of the Paramount Theatre.

Loved the film despite the obvious lack of budget and production values. I think I earned more in those two hours than was spent on the whole movie.

The movie in a nutshell sees Elvis living in a convalescent home with, among other people, a black JFK. A mummy wants to feed on their souls after being awakened from its long slumber by robbers who crashed their bus and the sarcophagus that held the mummy. Basically it comes down to big bugs, tasty buns (Bubba Ho-Tep would probably be worth watching for this scene alone JJ), a bad mummy, baby ruth bars, bitchin' glasses for the King and Bruce Campbell as the King.



Yes it was cheesy and slow in parts and yes what might be described as special effects were atrociously bad, the film did have some truly classic lines. None of which I'll recount here but if interested please do feel free to pop along here.

The line about Anubis had appropriately descriptive hieroglyphs appear on-screen. A very nice touch.

The new theatre the Paramount have built out the back was pretty good if not quite a hike to find. Only a small one (probably half as many seats as in a Rialto theatre) the seats were well-spaced and decidedly comfortable in a Reading kinda way. Shame about the fabric colour.

It was good catching up with Damo. We've been friends for a number of years now but we don't get around to seeing each other as often as we'd perhaps like. The same could be said for my seeming isolation from many of my friends. Yes I am naughty, I will eat fruit and yes I will drink lots of water.

Monday, 23 May 2005

Time to break out the great coat

Well it seems winter might finally be here and to be honest that makes me happy. The warm and comforting embrace of a cashmere great coat, seductive body heat-infused tickling of a merino mink scarf around the neck and charcoal merino mink gloves too sexy for words.

I should also point out the retinal scars remain from far too many people wearing inappropriately revealing clothing during this summer since gone. I like muffins as much as the next guy but I don't like to see someone spill out over the one's trousers for all the world to see. Sweater muffins are a different story altogether but I digress.

As much as I love the feel of a cashmere great coat I think my current choice of great coat to be somewhat less than this consumer whore ought to wear. It is essentially somewhat restrictive and unsuited for any situation bar that which involves wearing a suit underneath for you see the great coat does indeed swim on me. For those of you who know me yes it really is THAT big.

I'm pondering the prospective purchase of a fine tailored product from that most fine of Savile Row establishments Gieves and Hawkes. Thankfully I already know exactly which coat I want although for aesthetic reasons I might opt out of the cross-body belt. Looks tacky and generally superfluous to normal use of the coat.

Burnt burgundy in colour, three-quarter length, double-breasted with navy button layout to mid-belly, high neck cut with extended neck brace, reinforced collar and a trim-yet proportionally cut lapel with double stitching on the age to prevent warping. Single cuffs of course with ample room for hands embraced by the luxurious warmth and comfort of merino mink gloves.

All I need is the few thousand dollars to fly to London for the fitting and about the same amount to afford the coat. Oh but doesn't it sound worthy of every penny?

Deafening silence

I'm sorry but after sitting through Star Wars Episode III on Friday night the only positive from the occasion was that I saw it with Dandy. Dandy paid for the tickets (which is all the more special given the gaping chasm between our respective incomes) so I can't exactly demand a refund but dear lord am I tempted.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith was quite simply a bad movie that I did not enjoy. And I don't mean that in my typical contrarian fashion either. It was BAD.

I'd like to blame hype but the last remaining piece of the Star Wars saga wasn't hyped anywhere near as much as the other movies (the hype around Episode I was diabolical!).

I'd like to blame Tem Morrison but I'd rather forget THAT particular New Zealand connection to the SW franchise.

I'd like to blame the theatre where we saw the movie but the seats weren't too bad.

So instead I'll blame the plethora of pointless plotlines, the acres of meaningless soap opera-esque dialogue, the rushed handling of crucial moments of character development, the ham-fisted depiction of empire politics between the Jedi and the Sith, the over-reliance on pretty special effects to plaster over patchy plot development and characters too shallow for the viewer to give a shit.

Much like with the Lord of the Rings Trilogy it looked very pretty but was all-in-all a waste of my Friday night that could have been better spent elsewhere.

The lack of applause at the end of the screening is still deafening and I can only believe it is a good thing the saga ends here.

Itching the itch that could not otherwise be itched



And proud of it goddammit!

So my return to civilisation last Thursday night left me more than little starved of consumer whoring. After all four days is a long time for this consumer whore to go without a shopping spree. Wanting to bring order back to the universe and itch the itch that cannot otherwise be itched Friday saw me run to many stores to buy books, magazines, DVDs and an xbox game that have since been added to their respective piles of similarly unappreciated items.

Books-wise I got a couple books written by David Sedaris, brother of seriously messed-up comedienne Amy Sedaris. The Late Show with David Letterman is worth watching for her occasional appearances alone. On that alone I thought I'd see if her brother was as funny and interesting as she is. Trust Unity Books to be the only bookstore in Wellington to hold any of his books.

DVDs-wise I bought an assortment of samurai movies, the latest bunch of Ghost in the Shell episodes and my personal favourite, John Safran vs God. The lisp-heavy Safran used to have a show called John Safran's Music Jamboree which used to be the funniest show on late night TV. I haven't seen this his latest show just yet (remember the piles of unappreciated items?) but I will get there eventually.

CDs-wise I ended up with Faithless' greatest hits (I almost bought the DVD that goes with it) and the debut effort by The Bravery. I'm not sure why I bought The Bravery for any other reason than to feed my iPod. The problem with having an iPod is that it always needs to be fed new songs. For some reason I keep thinking caged vampire.

Oh and before I forget my kung fu is strong in xbox game Jade Empire. I've only played a few hours of the game but by all accounts it looks fantastic and I am loving the kung fu fighting system. Its just like a Shaw Brothers movie! Classic.

With bags in hand and returning to work I could not help but feel that Friday was indeed a good day to shop.

Wednesday, 18 May 2005

Apologies for my initial post

It seemed as good as anything else one could post at the time.

Not sure who the loser is that posted his comment moments after making the post

*coughs*GEEK!

Which reminds me... my partner in crime is off to enjoy the midnight screening of Star Wars Episode three tonight.

The Gospel According to Kylie

Today saw the Gospel According to Kylie reach far and wide across much of the Bay of Plenty and the East Coast of the North Island of this fair and innocent land of the long white cloud.

"La la la lala lalala la la la I just can't get you out of my head" rang loud and true through the Waioeka Gorge as I slipped and slid my way across the wet and mulchy (yes I did type mulchy) narrow excuse for a highway between Opotiki and Gisborne. It seems the men in orange vests decided in their infinite wisdom to trim the trees already precariously hanging over the highway with little thought of us innocent road-users and our desire to remain alive and well. So hard finding good help these days.

But I digress.

The reason for this wanton act of conversion was the terrible news last night that the Divine Miss M (or should that be instead be the Divine Miss K?) has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Naturally I felt honour-bound to play her music loud and proud on my daily travels.

So I did.

And it was good.

You should do it too, if only to enjoy her music while you still can. If things go from bad to worse we may soon find ourselves awash in Kylie 'this was her life' documentaries, candle-lit hospital vigils, retrospectives, re-runs of 1980s Neighbours episodes and all the terrible movies she starred in (even that terrible one she did in the early 1990s with Shannon Doherty's ex).

I don't think anyone wants to see that happen.

So, pray for Kylie and hope she gets better. For those of a driving persuasion I recommend the Ultimate Kylie compilation as disc two has a great many wonderful tracks from her later years that prove especially useful in keeping oneself awake and alert at the wheel.